After Blah Blah Blah

I think I did well Sunday evening with my parts in the staged reading of the screenplay “Blah Blah Blah” … considering everything.

It was a challenge because of how last minute everything was. We only had one rehearsal, and that was 3 nights before the performance. During the rehearsal I read roles that I didn’t read in the show and didn’t read roles that I did read in the show. When I arrived at the theater, I was told that I’d be reading some different roles than the ones I thought I would be reading. They were minor parts, granted, but I hadn't prepared for them at all. Then I discovered that the screenwriter had incorrectly labeled some of the lines in the script. There were 2 Peters in the script. He called them Peter One and Peter Two. I was reading Peter Two (the biggest of my roles). An hour and a half before we went on I learned that through the 20 or so last pages of the script, everything labeled Peter One was really Peter Two and everything labeled Peter Two was really Peter One. Thus I would not be reading some of the lines I had prepared for and would be reading others I hadn't. So, for the most part, I went out on stage to do my first reading of a lot of my part of the script. Nevertheless, I think I did quite well with it.

I wasn’t the only one. The man who was supposed to be Peter One was sick, so another of the actors had all his roles changed so he could play that role. Then he also had to change all the labels for his lines in the last 20 pages of the script like I did.

One thing I learned is that I prefer more organization, clarity, and preparation if I'm going to be in a production. On the other hand, I learned that sometimes things happen, and I have to be flexible. I demonstrated that I can do that. After all, I have done lots of improvisational theater in the past. This was a lot like improvisation in some ways.

I found myself annoyed and hurt (we actors can be so fragile) by one comment I overheard after the show, though. Someone said that Patrick, the screenwriter, who read one of the lead roles, was the only professional actor in the group. Patrick was the only one who was really familiar with the script! And he’s not an actor at all, let alone a professional one. (Though, he was really good in his role.) I could have done much better if I’d had some rehearsal time and some time on my own to work on the correct lines.

I’d say that only about 30 people showed up to see us. I was disappointed about that. Patrick had predicted a full house (100 seats and another 20 folding chairs). The result was that after expenses were taken out of the contributions, each of us made a whopping $3 for our participation. The good side of that is that I did make something. Lots of acting is just for the fun and the glory (whatever of that there may be).

Antoinette (my girlfriend) came and saw me act (sort of) for the first time. That made a big difference to me. I really wanted her there. She said she liked my performance.

None of the other people I invited came. Another disappointment. Does anyone care? I’ve realized for a long time that one of the signs I look for that people care about me is that they show up for my performances (of whatever kind).

Then yesterday I found myself feeling the familiar let-down that I’ve noticed myself feeling after nearly every kind of performance I’ve ever done – not just acting, but teaching, speaking, singing, and everything else, too. I’ve explored what that’s about. I feel let down because I didn’t receive enough attention, praise, and accolades (imitation love, in other words) to fill me up. I hoped for the high of feeling loved and felt depressed about not getting enough of whatever I thought I wanted. Could there ever be enough? That may be my own personal “Impossible Dream.”

Refocusing … I do think I gave my best performance under the circumstances and that I contributed something to the audience. I learned some things. I got some experience. I met some people. Some of them may be important to my career in the future. I got 2 cookies and a brownie free. Antoinette saw me and supported me. Several people said they liked my performance. I had fun. And I earned $3 more than I would have if I hadn't participated. It was a good evening.

Michael